Garforth Town 2 - Lancaster City 3

24-10

Enjoying the hospitality of Garforth Town today were Lancaster City; big cheese and county town of the historical enemy of Gods own county, Lanca-shy-oh. And the Red Rose inhabitants who graced our ground today certainly hadn’t forgotten that irrelevant footnote in the sands of time, and they were ‘top, main lads’ to boot. Frightening, menacing individuals, champions of battle and gods of combat, clearly. However, this is 2009, and now I have the luxury of insulting them from behind the safety of a computer screen. Heard the term ‘keyboard warrior’ before – you disgusting scrotes?

Haha, just joking, I really enjoyed the unfounded accusations of paedophilia, animal molestation and of excessive masturbation levelled at members of the Garforth staff by grown men shouting in a group and pumping their fists joyfully into the air while intimidating middle-aged to elderly fans. Cashback!



Several shots were struck early, and proved that any strike sliding across the wet grass would be difficult for either goalkeeper to deal with. This would come to haunt Town later in the game.

Darren Thornton came close with a free kick, a corner winning effort. That corner sailed over to the far side of the box, and Fidel Mholo did the rest with a side-footed volley back across goal. The attempted block of a defender only sent the ball up into the roof of the net, and the White Rose drew first blood from the red.

Lancaster sang on undeterred, with so much failure I cannot find the words to describe it. One was a song about how ‘lanky’ a famous female singer was (think about it) and another was to proclaim love for ‘the Blues’, who go ‘marching in’ somewhere or other. Maybe ‘the blues’ are T.A. I looked at the pitch in confusion, before looking down on the bald spots and dandruff only feet away from me as I remarked to those legends of the terrace; “You’re in white, lads.”

Lancaster regained parity with what Assistant Manager Billy deemed ‘a soft goal’, as a converted header helped City claw their way back into the game. In the dying stages of the half however, Thornton claimed the ball in the far left corner, brought it inside to unleash a well-struck strike to the top right that clinched the first half at least for Garforth.

The Red Rose visitors proved to be in the ascendancy though, and claimed two goals in quick succession that Assistant Manager Billy deemed to be ‘soft’. He was right. However, soft though they may have bee… definitely were, Town now faced an uphill battle to regain both parity and the lead that had been surrendered twice.

Thornton almost added to his goal tally when he sidestepped the goalkeeper and shot, but his cutback effort was blocked on the line, as was his impeded lay off for Greaves.

Garforth tried but could not further penetrate the resistance of beloved Lancaster, and the Bl… whites, scurried home with the points in the bag. I can’t wait to see the City fans at their place though…. so I can run away screaming.

However, you’re a city of 140k people, playing in the UniBond league, that’s fucking pathetic.
*Runs away*

Fear not Garforth; at least we are Yorkshire, Gods own County, beloved of Zeus, and as such God smiles down upon us unlike on those Red Rose heathens, pagans and reprobates.

Yeah, PEACE…

Garforth Town 0 - Leeds United AFC 1

21-10

Achilles had Hector. Clarice Starling had Buffalo Bill. Ali had Frazier. Man-ches-toh Uni’ed have Man-ches-toh Ci’y – even though only one team hails from the city itself. Leeds United AFC have never had a local team to play that could define local sport, and where the supporters are all from the same place, whether to meet and greet with smiles and handshakes or to clash with the violence of sporting fanaticism.

Under Simon Clifford, Garforth have strived to raise their own status with ambition befitting of larger and more lucrative clubs. Two promotions and a slew of publicity, not to mention ambitious statements, lofty goals and a charismatic owner/manager, and the non-leaguers forced their way onto the footballing map. In time, one can hope for a Garforth versus Leeds fixture in a league setting – at least if one is a Garforth supporter…

As it was, the two sides met tonight in the White Rose version of Ci’y versus Uni’ed. Given that both clubs rested first team players, that the game was a friendly and the unfortunate and most important fact in that Garforth ply their trade five leagues below the prestigious Peacocks, it could hardly be described in the aforementioned Hector and Achilles metaphorical terminology, yet with a close game graced by only a single goal, nor did the affair resemble the aforementioned Starling and Bill scenario – the hunter able to pick apart and destroy their rival at will…

Leeds fielded a young squad, and the match served as experience for the blooded youngsters, one of whom was Aidan White; graduate of Clifford’s Leeds Brazilian Soccer School. Garforth had themselves played less than 24 hours earlier, and their own line-up was a fresh look outfit. It was further altered at half time when their captain Brett Renshaw was withdrawn with a foot injury sustained in the defeat in Ossett the previous night.

The Mighty Whites were the stronger team initially, looking sharp and avoiding getting drawn into a long ball game. It would be Garforth who would create the first goal-scoring opportunities. Tom Greaves tried his luck with a run down the middle but was impeded. Garforth struck the first shot in anger, which sailed over. United replied with a curled ball across the midfield to Nathan Turner, who redirected the ball well with his head to run for goal. Town sweeper Milton Turner did well in covering the ground, stealing the ball and clearing it to safety.

Fidel Mholo broke a record, impressive given his short career. He is now officially recognised at having his name mispronounced more times than any other player in the history of football. That includes Greek football, Popodopadoolios and all. He also gave an eye-catching display in the first half, pace evident as he burst down the field on 33. Unfortunately, his ball through to Greaves caught up in the striker’s feet.

Leeds came closest in the half when Turner was put through with only Ellison to beat. However, his shot was at a stretch, and the cutback overlong; the ball flew wide.

Greaves had one final effort as the half came to a close, a half that had the welcome introduction of two linesmen who were not afflicted by the usual relentless, constant ‘Heil Hitler’ syndrome that too many officials seem to have at the sniff of potential offside. One liner this year shot his outstretched arm out more times than Heinrich Himmler did in 1938 – tonight was blissfully free of that in this friendly game.

The second was not graced with many clear-cut chances, but it did see the match winning goal, a top corner shot that vindicated the entrance fee alone. Joe McCann had a shot well saved from point blank range by Ellison, and Leeds were in the ascendancy, with Garforth clinging to parity. The killer blow was struck with only ten minutes to play, as Josh Falkingham fired a net buster from twenty yards that sailed into the top right corner to give Leeds the lead.

United saw the game out, and so ended a fixture refreshingly played with no real malice, bickering, niggly challenges or the stereotypical footballers handbags non-fighting ‘brawls’ that mar so many games with their effeminate aura. It was a friendly game, and it did what it said on the tin.

Leeds next play at Millwall’s Den, and I offer prayers for the travelling fans that they don’t meet a ‘naughty, double nasty, tasty, dirty bunch’, and that they avoid getting bushwhacked in Bermondsey. Any Leeds fan, however, who managed to lay into Danny Dyer and his bunch of ‘naughty, rude mates’ in order to get onto ‘The Weal Footbawl Factowhees’ gets my utmost respect. Garforth face a ‘pound for pound’ equally daunting visit from Lancaster City (sarcasm y’all) who speak like Mancs and hate Garforth with a passion befitting of the Red Rose.

Keep Tubthumping. Peace.

Garforth Town 0 - AFC Field.... Fylde 3

17-10-09

Blackpool is a part of the Lancastrian coastal plain of Fylde, and fittingly it would be our visitors AFC Fylde that illuminated today’s game of football with all three of its goals. In Scandinavian, Fylde means ‘field’, the name hence originating from Viking invasions, and in today’s tussle at the Genix Healthcare stadium, their football team were sadly able to ‘field’ players who outplayed our own in an open game, but one in which few clear cut chances were fashioned. Cup football can be an illegitimate son…

Fylde opened the scoring early, a neat turn and shot from Mark Wane, and Town were fighting an uphill battle thenceforth against more disciplined troops. One noted tactic was the use of legal strength – vigorousness within the boundaries of the rules. Maybe the endless scrapping between Yorkshire and Lancashire day-trippers in Blackpool has toughened them up. Regardless, Fylde changed their colours from blue to all-white in the summer of 2007 in order to mimic Leeds United, and so it would be that Wane’s goal earned them victory against the second most prestigious football club in the Leeds area.

Tom Greaves gave an industrious display, fashioning several chances for himself despite close defensive attention. The most noteworthy occurred with a third of the game gone, when a lifted through ball on thirty minutes allowed him to lob the goalkeeper. Sadly, the striker was deemed to be offside when the ball was played, by another linesman who loves to play ‘you put your right arm in, your right arm out, in out, in out, sh….” No comment.

Greaves was put through again, for another Heil Hitler salute… sorry, enthusiastic linesman’s flagging motion, to halt his progress. A subsequent move saw Harding play Ovington down the left channel, and the young winger cut inside before spraying it out to Williams on the right. Duncan’s cross eluded all.

The second began slowly, and it was not until almost the hour mark that a shot was struck in anger. Greaves worked his way from the left to the edge of the semi-circle, and cut his shot narrowly wide.

Several passing interchanges from both sides summed the game up; one-twos, overlaps and movement, with one player’s weak or mis-hit touch breaking down the whole move. Thornton came on; signalling Town’s attacking intent, and the substitute made determined runs and harassed defenders.

A Claisse ball to Greaves saw the striker exchange a one-two with Thornton before shooting, but the shot slid wide. Immediately after, a quick counter attack saw Fylde get behind the Town defence, and Wane added his second with a finish to the left of Ellison.

Greaves shot across goal following a long ball up from Claisse, and a nice attack involving several players saw Thornton cross for Fidel Mholo at the back post. Not only was the youngster unable to score, his name was mispronounced in the announcements for the 269th time on record.

Town could not pierce the back Fylde of Field, and Field added a third. The familiar looking Richie Allen, who either has a doppelganger or has played against Garforth before for someone else, scored a carbon copy finish to the one that had preceded it, and Town left the Fylde dejected after their hardworking display could not make a dent in a motivated Field, who advance to the 1st round of the FA Trophy.

Garforth though, shall not sling insults the way the Salford Star did just because a War of the Roses rival beat them at home. No slurs from the dignified white rose, unlike some. Then again, any club that employs Rhodri Giggs….

Congratulations to Field. See you in Blackpool for a curry, eight pints and a couple of disco biscuits….

Garforth Town 3 - Harrogate Railway 2

13-10-09

Class warfare ensued on the football pitch, as the upstanding folk of Harrogate came to Garforth’s mining village for the first round of the UniBond President’s Cup. That is the name given to this competition, and the second half of this particular match was spectacle enough for a king, as Garforth almost snatched defeat from the jaws of victory only to inch ahead in the dying moments of the game. 3-2 is cited along with 4-3 as one of the best score-lines a game of association football can have, and it was easy to see why, as both sets of fans witnessed uneasy, demoralising and relieving moments alike as the outcome seemingly teetered back and forth between two sides who both showed some dextrous football at times…

Darren Thornton burst forwards early doors and tried his luck with a chip, which was tipped over by Harrogate shot stopper Jordan Yorath. The resulting corner fell kindly for Liam Ormsby to convert, after only a hundred or so seconds of play.

The posh visitors replied strongly, with a slid shot sliding wide, and a good ball played into the box only for the chance to be squandered. The always dependable (barring the odd moment of gratuitous violence) Brett Renshaw, who defended well, played a lovely ball up for Fidel Mholo, the man whose name has been misspelt and mispronounced more times than any other player in the history of English football. Fidel claimed the ball well but was flagged offside, by the increasingly flag-happy linesman.

Thornton suffered from the man’s rampant right arm, as it once more decreed that the striker’s run was from an offside position. After Darren converted the chance, he was cautioned for ‘kicking the ball away’. As much as I would love to point fingers and criticise ineptitude, stupidity and lunacy, I will not comment on the referee’s decision in this instance.

Substitute Tom Greaves almost forced his way through into a one on one, but was impeded at the last, after fine interchanges in the midfield. A corner soon followed though, was taken short, and the subsequent cross from Thornton was converted in the easiest fashion from the far post, Duncan Williams grateful for the gift. Pin point cross, point blank range, header, goal, done and dusted. 2-0 on the hour.

Garforth could not quite kill the game off though, and so it was on 78 that the in form Craig Ellison injured himself. The keeper did well to make several saves, but the inevitable happened with all Garforth substitutes used up. A high ball that Ellison could not contest, and a horrible ricochet later, and the Miner’s were level in a game they had all but won after nearly eighty minutes of comfort.

Two things happened. A promising Harrogate attack was deemed offside, by the vastly improved linesman, and the ensuing break from Garforth saw Thornton released into space down the middle. Heading from right to left, he in turn released fellow substitute Christopher Jones, and the youngster’s left footed finish was true. Garforth snatched victory from the snapping jaws of possible defeat that had ripped surefire victory away from the Colegate smiling mouth of a comfortable win in the first place… ahem, or in other terms, unfortunate injuries looked to have doomed the match, but as it were they only served to provide a tensely entertaining conclusion to it. The Miner’s march on, after knocking the Railwaymen off the tracks…

Town progress, and face more cup fixtures on the hunt for glory in the coming winter months as the cold spectre of darkness looms over us all.

"Exit light… enter night. Take my hand… we’re off to never Neverland…"

Trafford FC 0 - Garforth Town 2

10-10-09

The Red Rose inhabitants of Trafford number nearly a quarter of a million, and almost 1/1500th of them turned out today to support their newest club, Trafford FC. With Old Trafford, the home of Man-ches-toh Uni’ed nearby it is understandable, not to mention the fact they play in white, yet the non-leaguers from Shawe View have amassed twenty-two honours in their short history. However, while four of their number sang to the tune of ‘We Are Sailing’, it would be the visiting Yorkshiremen who would cruise to a comfortable victory on the hostile side of the Pennines, completing a double barrelled victory for Leeds area sport as the Rhino’s became Super League champions only hours later in Trafford over St Helen’s of Lancashire. War of the Roses 2.0 revisited went to Yorkshire on this day…

Passing interchanges were exchanged between Harding, Ovington and Williams early doors as the Miner’s looked to find an opening. Ovington weaved from the left wing and positioned to shoot, missing narrowly. A long ball up the left channel almost sent Williams clear, and several shots were missed. Meanwhile, Turner, Renshaw, Zalo and Fox were unperturbed at the back, as Trafford offered little in the way of fashioning chances.

Ovington found the net on 37, when he cut in from the left wing as he had done before. He then proceeded to do what he had not done before, however, when he managed to hit both criteria for scoring goals; hit the target, and beat the keeper. His shot from distance dipped wickedly, exposed the stranded shot stopper, and opened the scoring.

Twenty minutes of gameplay later and Ovington almost created the second, sending Williams racing through on goal to meet a well-timed lunge from the goalkeeper. Minutes later he could have added the second himself after Greaves was put through on goal. The striker slid the ball past the goalkeeper into the path of Ovington, only for the most desperate of late lunges from a vigilant defender.

Claisse, Williams, Harding and Ovington stroked the ball around and exchanged passes, before Williams curled a ball into the box for Liam Ormsby. Unfortunately, the midfielder’s touch was too strong, and the flick went over. Then on 75, Mark Piper stole the ball with a deft Cruyff turn and released substitute Darren Thornton. The striker sent a shot wide.

The decisive killer blow was struck in the dying minutes of normal time, as a free kick was curled up to Greaves on the right wing. Sub-standard marking saw the ball sail past his man, the striker controlled, headed for goal, and shot low to the near post to double the advantage and claim the game. Trafford were sunk like the Titanic, as it was rather Garforth who were sailing.

The Miner’s improve to only one loss in five, as the player’s turn in their most comfortable display in recent memory as they win at a canter. Now mid-table, Town can push on, capitalise on the improved cohesion and make a statement. Two cup matches are next, one of which is the FA Trophy, and with only a handful of wins from Wembley, one could be forgiven for daring to dream, subconsciously smelling the stench of cockney-ville already and the foul aromas of the southern wastelands where potential cup glory awaits…

Salford City 0 - Garforth Town 0

3-10-09

Chumbawamba kicked off the day, with walk out theme I Get Knocked Down But I Get Up Again being a fitting epithet to a team with such dramatic upswings and downturns in performance levels and fortune as Garforth Town FC. The game started, with the Greater Mancunian outfit attempting to knock their visitors down for the count, the yellows looking to ‘remind their fans of the good times’, and play a game ‘to remind them of the better times’. Whose fans would be “singing, when we’re winning”? Whose set of supporters would be “drinking a whisky drink; a vodka drink, a lager drink, and a cider drink” to drown their sorrows come the end? Ninety minutes of football later in the shadow of the ‘Theatre of Dreams’, we would know the answer.

The opening exchanges did nothing to offer an indication of the answer, as the closest chance for the visitors came from strikers Thornton and Greaves chasing down Andy Robertson in the Salford goal, while the hosts offered less. A welcome addition to the game was Rhodri Giggs, now plying his trade, footballing trade, along with his more celebrated brother Ryan in Salford, though in somewhat less grandiose surroundings. In fairness to him, other than chelping at his own team-mates and sloping around in the second half, he did nothing particularly out of the ordinary to ‘bring the game into disrepute’, I believe is the politically correct, diplomatic description. Ovington and Williams swung in crosses for Town, but they were dealt with well.

John McAliskey had two very good chances for Salford, which new goalkeeper Craig <> did well to stop. The new shot stopper did his best all afternoon to ensure Tom Morgan gets a pink slip in the mail, as he was undoubtedly man of the match for his display. Garforth came close after twenty-five minutes, when Ovington put Tom Greaves through on the right channel. With the offside trap beaten and Robertson in no-mans-land, Greaves latched onto the lofted ball and his lobbed finish struck the outside of the posts elbow joint that conjoins the net and goal, just wide of the top corner.

Salford had mixed luck, with Giggs’ well taken free kick saved, but a handball in their own box escaping the notice of all officials, a bittersweet minute. Thornton and particularly Ovington came close with chances to close out the half, a low drive and a left footed shot cut across the goal and wide, respectively.

Thornton again tried his luck with a run from his own half, evading challenges and ending with a lacklustre shot. Ovington showed a turn of pace and played a ball in for Tom Claisse, who shot over. Salford shot, with Craig tipping the ball over well. The home side would have three or four shots on goal in this time.

For the rest of the game, Garforth pressed and created chances only for Salford to respond with several of their own. City arguably carved out the more memorable chances, only for the likes of Giggs, Rouse and McAliskey to miss. Though in the second half they undoubtedly came closest with the scant goal scoring opportunities, from the official report in the Salford Star, you would think Garforth had been spanked like a Mirko Cro Cop opponent in a Japanese freak show mismatch. As for the lamentations of The Salford Star, I respond with this; Sors salutis, et virtutis, michi nunc contraria… mecum omnes plangite! Carl Orff, O Fortuna. Relying on the overuse of ‘F bombs’ and county insults like the Salford Star did is so uncultured, even for the red rose...

So the points were shared equally, between our lovable hosts and us ‘yellow shirted Yorkshire ****ing ****ers’. As fate would have it, lager was the beverage of choice, though the miserable Mancunians undoubtedly resorted to the whisky drinks, the vodka drinks, the lager drinks and the cider drinks in lamentation, to vent about the match and to remind them of the better times. Chumbawamba, Tubthumping. A song Salford City use pre-match, and would do well to remember in the aftermath of such a game after the events conclusion.

"Don't cry for me, next door (county) neighbours..."

Garforth next play against Chorley at home on Tuesday night, then Trafford away on Saturday. Kick-offs will be at 7:45pm and 3pm respectively. If we get knocked down, we will get up again, yeah they're never gonna keep us down....

'Danny Boy': yellow shirted ****ing tubthumper, whisky/vodka/lager/cider drinker, and proud Yorkshireman.