Garforth Town 2 - Lancaster City 3

24-10

Enjoying the hospitality of Garforth Town today were Lancaster City; big cheese and county town of the historical enemy of Gods own county, Lanca-shy-oh. And the Red Rose inhabitants who graced our ground today certainly hadn’t forgotten that irrelevant footnote in the sands of time, and they were ‘top, main lads’ to boot. Frightening, menacing individuals, champions of battle and gods of combat, clearly. However, this is 2009, and now I have the luxury of insulting them from behind the safety of a computer screen. Heard the term ‘keyboard warrior’ before – you disgusting scrotes?

Haha, just joking, I really enjoyed the unfounded accusations of paedophilia, animal molestation and of excessive masturbation levelled at members of the Garforth staff by grown men shouting in a group and pumping their fists joyfully into the air while intimidating middle-aged to elderly fans. Cashback!



Several shots were struck early, and proved that any strike sliding across the wet grass would be difficult for either goalkeeper to deal with. This would come to haunt Town later in the game.

Darren Thornton came close with a free kick, a corner winning effort. That corner sailed over to the far side of the box, and Fidel Mholo did the rest with a side-footed volley back across goal. The attempted block of a defender only sent the ball up into the roof of the net, and the White Rose drew first blood from the red.

Lancaster sang on undeterred, with so much failure I cannot find the words to describe it. One was a song about how ‘lanky’ a famous female singer was (think about it) and another was to proclaim love for ‘the Blues’, who go ‘marching in’ somewhere or other. Maybe ‘the blues’ are T.A. I looked at the pitch in confusion, before looking down on the bald spots and dandruff only feet away from me as I remarked to those legends of the terrace; “You’re in white, lads.”

Lancaster regained parity with what Assistant Manager Billy deemed ‘a soft goal’, as a converted header helped City claw their way back into the game. In the dying stages of the half however, Thornton claimed the ball in the far left corner, brought it inside to unleash a well-struck strike to the top right that clinched the first half at least for Garforth.

The Red Rose visitors proved to be in the ascendancy though, and claimed two goals in quick succession that Assistant Manager Billy deemed to be ‘soft’. He was right. However, soft though they may have bee… definitely were, Town now faced an uphill battle to regain both parity and the lead that had been surrendered twice.

Thornton almost added to his goal tally when he sidestepped the goalkeeper and shot, but his cutback effort was blocked on the line, as was his impeded lay off for Greaves.

Garforth tried but could not further penetrate the resistance of beloved Lancaster, and the Bl… whites, scurried home with the points in the bag. I can’t wait to see the City fans at their place though…. so I can run away screaming.

However, you’re a city of 140k people, playing in the UniBond league, that’s fucking pathetic.
*Runs away*

Fear not Garforth; at least we are Yorkshire, Gods own County, beloved of Zeus, and as such God smiles down upon us unlike on those Red Rose heathens, pagans and reprobates.

Yeah, PEACE…

Garforth Town 0 - Leeds United AFC 1

21-10

Achilles had Hector. Clarice Starling had Buffalo Bill. Ali had Frazier. Man-ches-toh Uni’ed have Man-ches-toh Ci’y – even though only one team hails from the city itself. Leeds United AFC have never had a local team to play that could define local sport, and where the supporters are all from the same place, whether to meet and greet with smiles and handshakes or to clash with the violence of sporting fanaticism.

Under Simon Clifford, Garforth have strived to raise their own status with ambition befitting of larger and more lucrative clubs. Two promotions and a slew of publicity, not to mention ambitious statements, lofty goals and a charismatic owner/manager, and the non-leaguers forced their way onto the footballing map. In time, one can hope for a Garforth versus Leeds fixture in a league setting – at least if one is a Garforth supporter…

As it was, the two sides met tonight in the White Rose version of Ci’y versus Uni’ed. Given that both clubs rested first team players, that the game was a friendly and the unfortunate and most important fact in that Garforth ply their trade five leagues below the prestigious Peacocks, it could hardly be described in the aforementioned Hector and Achilles metaphorical terminology, yet with a close game graced by only a single goal, nor did the affair resemble the aforementioned Starling and Bill scenario – the hunter able to pick apart and destroy their rival at will…

Leeds fielded a young squad, and the match served as experience for the blooded youngsters, one of whom was Aidan White; graduate of Clifford’s Leeds Brazilian Soccer School. Garforth had themselves played less than 24 hours earlier, and their own line-up was a fresh look outfit. It was further altered at half time when their captain Brett Renshaw was withdrawn with a foot injury sustained in the defeat in Ossett the previous night.

The Mighty Whites were the stronger team initially, looking sharp and avoiding getting drawn into a long ball game. It would be Garforth who would create the first goal-scoring opportunities. Tom Greaves tried his luck with a run down the middle but was impeded. Garforth struck the first shot in anger, which sailed over. United replied with a curled ball across the midfield to Nathan Turner, who redirected the ball well with his head to run for goal. Town sweeper Milton Turner did well in covering the ground, stealing the ball and clearing it to safety.

Fidel Mholo broke a record, impressive given his short career. He is now officially recognised at having his name mispronounced more times than any other player in the history of football. That includes Greek football, Popodopadoolios and all. He also gave an eye-catching display in the first half, pace evident as he burst down the field on 33. Unfortunately, his ball through to Greaves caught up in the striker’s feet.

Leeds came closest in the half when Turner was put through with only Ellison to beat. However, his shot was at a stretch, and the cutback overlong; the ball flew wide.

Greaves had one final effort as the half came to a close, a half that had the welcome introduction of two linesmen who were not afflicted by the usual relentless, constant ‘Heil Hitler’ syndrome that too many officials seem to have at the sniff of potential offside. One liner this year shot his outstretched arm out more times than Heinrich Himmler did in 1938 – tonight was blissfully free of that in this friendly game.

The second was not graced with many clear-cut chances, but it did see the match winning goal, a top corner shot that vindicated the entrance fee alone. Joe McCann had a shot well saved from point blank range by Ellison, and Leeds were in the ascendancy, with Garforth clinging to parity. The killer blow was struck with only ten minutes to play, as Josh Falkingham fired a net buster from twenty yards that sailed into the top right corner to give Leeds the lead.

United saw the game out, and so ended a fixture refreshingly played with no real malice, bickering, niggly challenges or the stereotypical footballers handbags non-fighting ‘brawls’ that mar so many games with their effeminate aura. It was a friendly game, and it did what it said on the tin.

Leeds next play at Millwall’s Den, and I offer prayers for the travelling fans that they don’t meet a ‘naughty, double nasty, tasty, dirty bunch’, and that they avoid getting bushwhacked in Bermondsey. Any Leeds fan, however, who managed to lay into Danny Dyer and his bunch of ‘naughty, rude mates’ in order to get onto ‘The Weal Footbawl Factowhees’ gets my utmost respect. Garforth face a ‘pound for pound’ equally daunting visit from Lancaster City (sarcasm y’all) who speak like Mancs and hate Garforth with a passion befitting of the Red Rose.

Keep Tubthumping. Peace.

Salford City 0 - Garforth Town 0

3-10-09

Chumbawamba kicked off the day, with walk out theme I Get Knocked Down But I Get Up Again being a fitting epithet to a team with such dramatic upswings and downturns in performance levels and fortune as Garforth Town FC. The game started, with the Greater Mancunian outfit attempting to knock their visitors down for the count, the yellows looking to ‘remind their fans of the good times’, and play a game ‘to remind them of the better times’. Whose fans would be “singing, when we’re winning”? Whose set of supporters would be “drinking a whisky drink; a vodka drink, a lager drink, and a cider drink” to drown their sorrows come the end? Ninety minutes of football later in the shadow of the ‘Theatre of Dreams’, we would know the answer.

The opening exchanges did nothing to offer an indication of the answer, as the closest chance for the visitors came from strikers Thornton and Greaves chasing down Andy Robertson in the Salford goal, while the hosts offered less. A welcome addition to the game was Rhodri Giggs, now plying his trade, footballing trade, along with his more celebrated brother Ryan in Salford, though in somewhat less grandiose surroundings. In fairness to him, other than chelping at his own team-mates and sloping around in the second half, he did nothing particularly out of the ordinary to ‘bring the game into disrepute’, I believe is the politically correct, diplomatic description. Ovington and Williams swung in crosses for Town, but they were dealt with well.

John McAliskey had two very good chances for Salford, which new goalkeeper Craig <> did well to stop. The new shot stopper did his best all afternoon to ensure Tom Morgan gets a pink slip in the mail, as he was undoubtedly man of the match for his display. Garforth came close after twenty-five minutes, when Ovington put Tom Greaves through on the right channel. With the offside trap beaten and Robertson in no-mans-land, Greaves latched onto the lofted ball and his lobbed finish struck the outside of the posts elbow joint that conjoins the net and goal, just wide of the top corner.

Salford had mixed luck, with Giggs’ well taken free kick saved, but a handball in their own box escaping the notice of all officials, a bittersweet minute. Thornton and particularly Ovington came close with chances to close out the half, a low drive and a left footed shot cut across the goal and wide, respectively.

Thornton again tried his luck with a run from his own half, evading challenges and ending with a lacklustre shot. Ovington showed a turn of pace and played a ball in for Tom Claisse, who shot over. Salford shot, with Craig tipping the ball over well. The home side would have three or four shots on goal in this time.

For the rest of the game, Garforth pressed and created chances only for Salford to respond with several of their own. City arguably carved out the more memorable chances, only for the likes of Giggs, Rouse and McAliskey to miss. Though in the second half they undoubtedly came closest with the scant goal scoring opportunities, from the official report in the Salford Star, you would think Garforth had been spanked like a Mirko Cro Cop opponent in a Japanese freak show mismatch. As for the lamentations of The Salford Star, I respond with this; Sors salutis, et virtutis, michi nunc contraria… mecum omnes plangite! Carl Orff, O Fortuna. Relying on the overuse of ‘F bombs’ and county insults like the Salford Star did is so uncultured, even for the red rose...

So the points were shared equally, between our lovable hosts and us ‘yellow shirted Yorkshire ****ing ****ers’. As fate would have it, lager was the beverage of choice, though the miserable Mancunians undoubtedly resorted to the whisky drinks, the vodka drinks, the lager drinks and the cider drinks in lamentation, to vent about the match and to remind them of the better times. Chumbawamba, Tubthumping. A song Salford City use pre-match, and would do well to remember in the aftermath of such a game after the events conclusion.

"Don't cry for me, next door (county) neighbours..."

Garforth next play against Chorley at home on Tuesday night, then Trafford away on Saturday. Kick-offs will be at 7:45pm and 3pm respectively. If we get knocked down, we will get up again, yeah they're never gonna keep us down....

'Danny Boy': yellow shirted ****ing tubthumper, whisky/vodka/lager/cider drinker, and proud Yorkshireman.

Garforth Town 1 - Woodley Sports 1

5-9-09

Gallant Garforth gave Woodley a drubbing in a one-sided score draw at the Genix Healthcare Stadium. Despite creating the best chances, and dominating general play, Town could not pull the trigger on the goal scoring revolver and the Greater Mancunian visitors escaped with a share of the points.

The best chance early doors came for striker Tom Greaves, who tried to capitalise on a goalkeeping fumble but was denied. Frank Zalo chased down a loose ball through and managed to keep it in play, setting up a cross that Duncan Williams headed narrowly wide. Other half chances were fashioned, and the first thirty minutes belonged entirely to Garforth, the only side with attacking intent.

Woodley’s closest chance came from a Bentley-esque effort, a forty-yard volley that almost embarrassed the home keeper and sailed wide of the post. This goal scoring opportunity was enterprising, but rare.

In the later stages of the first, Man of the Match Nathan Kamara played an excellent ball through diagonally to the right channel for Greaves, but Ben Connett was equal to the striker’s slid effort. The last near effort came from Darren Thornton, who persevered after a botched free kick to fashion a position to shoot, though he could not muster a powerful enough strike to trouble the opposing shot stopper.

After half time entertainment courtesy of the Leeds Brazilian Soccer School, a second half began that did not see the same number of good chances, yet ironically contained both goals that decided the match. Duncan Williams could not finish a move culminating from a deflected cross, and Greaves came close with a later header that flashed wide. The pivotal moment of the game came when both the exceptionally tall linesman and the referee failed to spot a blatant push which led to an unmarked Woodley forward slotting the ball home. Football can be cruel sometimes…

However, God’s benevolent existence was proved by the just equaliser that followed, when a corner and lay off was converted well by Milton Turner from 25 yards. That great finish earned Garforth a point, but it could and really should have been more. Garforth next play at home when they welcome Radcliffe Borough on Tuesday September 15th, when kick-off will be at 7:45pm.

Garforth Town 3 - Woodley Sports 1

22-4-09

Visiting Greater Mancunians Woodley Sports may be called ‘The Steelmen’, but they were melted down pretty quickly by the Miner’s, as an imperious Garforth opening saw two goals flashed into the away goal courtesy of Greg Kelly and budding professional Duncan Williams.

The Chesterfield bound youngster started strongly, holding the ball up well, and earning Garforth their first chance early doors with an overhead effort that missed by inches. Andy Hayward, with another performance that belied his years, sent Williams scampering through minutes later, though the ball overran. And finally after quarter of an hour of pressure, Greg Kelly latched onto a bouncing ball upfield from Carl Fox to head past his man and direct a low volley past the keeper to claim the opening goal for his side.

Ninety seconds later the numerical lead was doubled, as Hayward received a pass to feet beautifully, lifting an incisive ball into Williams’ path for the midfielder to fire in a second goal.

By this point, it was reported that Greater Manchester no longer wanted Woodley, and by half time the team belonged to Cheshire again.

Hayward was hacked down savagely in front of goal, and this act of viciousness was followed by a similar mauling of the dangerous Williams mere seconds later. Sadly, a double penalty was not awarded. Hayward generously played the ball back to the goalkeeper from the spot, in the interests of sportsmanship and a more closely contested game.

A long ball played in to Hayward was fired wide, and the chance was Garforth’s final effort in a first half that they arguably controlled. The teams trouped in, for Garforth to receive further instructions and Woodley to lick their wounds.

The visitors from Cheshire started the second half with more vigour and venom, coming close twice in five minutes with a point blank header that was steered over, and a shot that Luke Gibbons did well to save.

Garforth would once take the ascendancy in the 60th, as Williams played in Graham Marchant who layed off Dominic Blair. The veteran winger placed a ball across the box, yet the Garforth attack were thwarted by a last ditch defensive header.

Williams showed great dexterity in evading several challengers, and when possession seemed lost, the tenacity of Mark Piper won it back. Williams embarked on a good run, though Marchant was unable to supply the finish.

An open goal chance was missed, and skimming over that one quickly, a subsequent play saw Mark Piper claim the ball forty yards from goal up the left channel, fly past the nearest defenders like Road Runner meep-meeps past that poor Wile E.Coyote, and square the ball precisely for Marchant to slot home for the most comfortable of 3-0 leads.

Woodley scored a consolation goal from a questionable corner with a header, but the end result was a solid win for the fans, and some fine attacking play shown in the penultimate home game of the season.

The best and worst of Garforth Town - 07/08 in review

Garforth Town – Season Review

There’s never a dull moment at Garforth Town AFC, the self proclaimed ‘world’s most famous amateur club’. Everyone associated with the club are very pleased with their team’s performances and the progress that has been shown throughout 2007/08, a season that will historically be remembered as Town’s inaugural seventh tier experience in English football, having never competed as high as the UniBond League before. At the end of last season Town put together a run of 19 games with just 2 defeats to earn promotion onto the next stage, the newly reformed UniBond League First Division North, and have successfully defied the odds with a mid table finish, having lurked near the play off places as an unlikely promotion contender.

Garforth had never reached this level in their history, a remarkable achievement for Simon Clifford, who took over management of a struggling, debt ridden 10th tier outfit. The team, largely that of the Northern Counties East League winners of 2006/07, has coped fantastically well with the step up, undertaking their task with gusto. Garforth ended the season positioned in 10th place without ever apparently reaching the full potential their young, talented players suggest they possess, and haven’t faced any truly dominant, formidable opposition.

The season proved an invaluable experience for the younger members of the team, notably teenagers Duncan Williams, Mark Piper, Seb Muddel, Adam Clarke and Mark Harding. Piper, a graduate of the Brazilian Soccer School Clifford set up in Southampton which his parents run, opined; “Even with (depleted) numbers, we were only really troubled by the title chasers – Skelmersdale and Bradford Park Avenue. We beat FC United of Manchester (who stole into second place ahead of Skelmers at the last), and Curzon (who were top from about January to April before losing to FC and Skelmers and finishing an unlucky 4th). Outside of that four we outplayed everyone else, and lost silly games with set piece goals or daft mistakes. This league is ours next year.”

Despite inconsistent form Garforth maintained a place around the play-off positions throughout the season, having slipped from comfort in third after a disastrous January. Such an achievement will require a similar run of form to last year but having dropped a number of unnecessary points due to errors and inexperience, the management, team and supporters will be working hard to amend this occurrence and ensure that the prospect of promotion is rather more than a possibility next year, a season which will herald the return of messianic Simon Clifford, as the Miner’s look to march onwards and upwards into the realms of the unfulfilled prophecies of their owner.

Note: the following is merely the opinion of the writer.

Performance of the season

A toss-up between the 4-0 annihilation of Newcastle Blue Star, and the sweet victory over FC United of Manchester. In terms of complete dominance, the Geordie bashing was an epitome of total control, whereas in terms of a hard fought victory as underdogs against a big gun, nothing from 07/08 in the entire UniBond can top the 1-0 deficit Garforth inflicted on FC in front of their home fans courtesy of a Jason St Juste goal. The late goal salvo of Luis de Melo, the five minute hat-trick, makes the Rossendale victory noteworthy here too.

Top three –
1-0 – FC United of Manchester
4-0 – Newcastle Blue Star
5-2 – Rossendale FC

Performer of the Season

Garforth Town fielded some determined players this season, but the stand-out for this writer at least was 19 year old Duncan Williams. Nothing can be said that hasn’t already been uttered, and Duncan will grow into a mature, class act on and off the field. Worthy mentions are 17 goal top scorer and left winger by trade Greg Kelly, defender Milton Turner, the hard working Mark Piper and stalwart captain Brett Renshaw.

Goal of the Season

While not in the most enjoyable of games, Chris Brown’s sizzler from distance against BPA stands out as Garforth’s best goal from 2007/08. An individual effort, all the more pleasing coming from a defender by trade who toils in a striking role he is unaccustomed to, Brown received the ball thirty yards from goal on the right channel, and struck fiercely back across goal, the ball flying over the stranded goalkeeper and dipping into the top left corner, to the delight of the Garforth support.

Ones to forget

A toss-up between Woodley Sports, BPA or Skelmersdale at home. I won’t linger.

Showboat of the Season

The Rivelino elastico from Dunga Williams away at Mossley in April. Take your bow.

Individual Performance of the Season

Milton Turner in the Horsfall Stadium Swamp. 0-3 would have been 3-0 had eleven players turned in that display.

D.Fletcher

Garforth Town 1 - FC United of Manchester 2

26.4.2008

In April 1945, Soviet writers such as Ilya Ehrenburg gloated that the Red Army hordes were marauding through the Third Reich and ‘the lair of the fascist beast’. Sixty three years later, the Red hordes of Greater Manchester and numerous other places descended on peaceful Garforth – the lair of ‘Leeds Scum’ – as Town looked to enjoy their proposed end of season carnival devoid of trouble. While the day was memorable, the questionable conduct of many led this writer in particular to ponder as to why the fixture was treated by the visitors as Leeds versus Manchester United in a hotbed of activity at the Genix Healthcare Stadium.

Mounted police rode through the streets of Garforth, and the scene resembled the bitter home leg of the UEFA Cup semi-final against Galatasaray of Turkey. On high alert, West Yorkshire’s finest did not allow many into the ground, and apprehended potential troublemakers and an enterprising ticket tout. Ominously, FC marched to the ground through Cedar Ridge with many already chanting ‘We all hate Leeds Scum’. With the surrounding area of the Genix heaving with a sea of red and black, blue and yellow, flags and scarves and a mass of humanity, the stage was set for a belter of a match.

FC United held the far side of the ground, Garforth the other, and the terracing became the centre of attention as the reds made their intentions clear by hurling abuse at three 16 year olds in Leeds shirts on the Garforth side. This would continue throughout the game, as the vitriolic visitors began chanting incessantly ‘We all hate Leeds scum’.

There was an entertaining sideshow to the day – the football match. Having succumbed to title chasing Skelmersdale and Mossley, Garforth delivered a performance to satisfy the support at the season’s climax, and the year to come looks promising with the return of Simon Clifford. Town applied early pressure, but were once again unable to score as the absence of a true marksman was apparent.

The most noteworthy incident in footballing terms of the first period occurred when Chris Brown was through on goal with only Sam Ashton in the FC goal to beat, but was cynically hacked down which went with surprising impunity, and no dismissal was forthcoming.

While FC sang various insulting Manchester United chants directed at Leeds, the Garforth crowd were restrained in their response. Inevitably, a small group of Leeds including several youngsters finally responded to the taunts with an anti-Manchester United song, which was short-lived. However, a group of FC hurtled round the stadium mob-handed and ambushed them. The game was temporarily halted. While the police reacted swiftly, many FC stayed in this area designated for home support, joining in enthusiastically with the renewed ‘We all hate Leeds scum’ chanting that rang out from an appreciative United terrace.

At half time the bar was closed by police, as certain FC fans decided that limiting their assaults on Garforth to that of the verbal variety was unproductive.

The second half proved just as entertaining, as Town came close with a Renshaw header and several shots struck wide. Disaster struck as a Jamie Baguley free kick took a horrible deflection, and bounced into the Garforth goal past Spratt. Town replied with a headed goal from Richard Carrick, after intense pressure that led to the award of a corner. Alas, it wasn’t to be, as Renshaw’s goal-line clearance of an FC header was deemed to have been made with his hand, and the referee consequently brandished the red card at Garforth’s captain. Nick Platt coolly converted the penalty.

‘There’s only one Peter Ridsdale’, chanted FC. ‘There’s only one Malcolm Glazer’, I replied.

The final whistle concluded the first ever season in the Unibond League for both sides, and Garforth were magnanimous in defeat as Simon Clifford, Alan Billingham, Steve Nichol and Vernol Blair applauded the visiting supporters as well as their own. FC United Club Chairman Andy Walsh spoke cheerfully, and opined that the season had been good and that ‘this day could have been much worse.’ Kindly, he expressed concern at the ramifications of police involvement for our club, and wished us the best.

Both the match and day were unforgettable, for both the right and wrong reasons, and on behalf of Garforth Town, from Garforth, West Yorkshire, I would like to wish FC United all the best in their attempt to win promotion via the play-offs. I also wish them a speedy and safe journey home from the 'lair of leeds scum', as the real 'Red Army' of 1945 remained in the 'lair of the fascist beast' at their leisure for nearly half a century - with the current recession I couldn't imagine this village sustaining our distinguished Manc guests for so long. As for the Miner’s, with a bolstered squad, the return of Simon and our inaugural Unibond experience to build on, Garforth Town should emerge a real fighting force in September and let the storm break loose – on the pitch.

See you all next season, keep the faith, trust and believe.