Garforth Town 2 - Lancaster City 3

24-10

Enjoying the hospitality of Garforth Town today were Lancaster City; big cheese and county town of the historical enemy of Gods own county, Lanca-shy-oh. And the Red Rose inhabitants who graced our ground today certainly hadn’t forgotten that irrelevant footnote in the sands of time, and they were ‘top, main lads’ to boot. Frightening, menacing individuals, champions of battle and gods of combat, clearly. However, this is 2009, and now I have the luxury of insulting them from behind the safety of a computer screen. Heard the term ‘keyboard warrior’ before – you disgusting scrotes?

Haha, just joking, I really enjoyed the unfounded accusations of paedophilia, animal molestation and of excessive masturbation levelled at members of the Garforth staff by grown men shouting in a group and pumping their fists joyfully into the air while intimidating middle-aged to elderly fans. Cashback!



Several shots were struck early, and proved that any strike sliding across the wet grass would be difficult for either goalkeeper to deal with. This would come to haunt Town later in the game.

Darren Thornton came close with a free kick, a corner winning effort. That corner sailed over to the far side of the box, and Fidel Mholo did the rest with a side-footed volley back across goal. The attempted block of a defender only sent the ball up into the roof of the net, and the White Rose drew first blood from the red.

Lancaster sang on undeterred, with so much failure I cannot find the words to describe it. One was a song about how ‘lanky’ a famous female singer was (think about it) and another was to proclaim love for ‘the Blues’, who go ‘marching in’ somewhere or other. Maybe ‘the blues’ are T.A. I looked at the pitch in confusion, before looking down on the bald spots and dandruff only feet away from me as I remarked to those legends of the terrace; “You’re in white, lads.”

Lancaster regained parity with what Assistant Manager Billy deemed ‘a soft goal’, as a converted header helped City claw their way back into the game. In the dying stages of the half however, Thornton claimed the ball in the far left corner, brought it inside to unleash a well-struck strike to the top right that clinched the first half at least for Garforth.

The Red Rose visitors proved to be in the ascendancy though, and claimed two goals in quick succession that Assistant Manager Billy deemed to be ‘soft’. He was right. However, soft though they may have bee… definitely were, Town now faced an uphill battle to regain both parity and the lead that had been surrendered twice.

Thornton almost added to his goal tally when he sidestepped the goalkeeper and shot, but his cutback effort was blocked on the line, as was his impeded lay off for Greaves.

Garforth tried but could not further penetrate the resistance of beloved Lancaster, and the Bl… whites, scurried home with the points in the bag. I can’t wait to see the City fans at their place though…. so I can run away screaming.

However, you’re a city of 140k people, playing in the UniBond league, that’s fucking pathetic.
*Runs away*

Fear not Garforth; at least we are Yorkshire, Gods own County, beloved of Zeus, and as such God smiles down upon us unlike on those Red Rose heathens, pagans and reprobates.

Yeah, PEACE…

Garforth Town 0 - Leeds United AFC 1

21-10

Achilles had Hector. Clarice Starling had Buffalo Bill. Ali had Frazier. Man-ches-toh Uni’ed have Man-ches-toh Ci’y – even though only one team hails from the city itself. Leeds United AFC have never had a local team to play that could define local sport, and where the supporters are all from the same place, whether to meet and greet with smiles and handshakes or to clash with the violence of sporting fanaticism.

Under Simon Clifford, Garforth have strived to raise their own status with ambition befitting of larger and more lucrative clubs. Two promotions and a slew of publicity, not to mention ambitious statements, lofty goals and a charismatic owner/manager, and the non-leaguers forced their way onto the footballing map. In time, one can hope for a Garforth versus Leeds fixture in a league setting – at least if one is a Garforth supporter…

As it was, the two sides met tonight in the White Rose version of Ci’y versus Uni’ed. Given that both clubs rested first team players, that the game was a friendly and the unfortunate and most important fact in that Garforth ply their trade five leagues below the prestigious Peacocks, it could hardly be described in the aforementioned Hector and Achilles metaphorical terminology, yet with a close game graced by only a single goal, nor did the affair resemble the aforementioned Starling and Bill scenario – the hunter able to pick apart and destroy their rival at will…

Leeds fielded a young squad, and the match served as experience for the blooded youngsters, one of whom was Aidan White; graduate of Clifford’s Leeds Brazilian Soccer School. Garforth had themselves played less than 24 hours earlier, and their own line-up was a fresh look outfit. It was further altered at half time when their captain Brett Renshaw was withdrawn with a foot injury sustained in the defeat in Ossett the previous night.

The Mighty Whites were the stronger team initially, looking sharp and avoiding getting drawn into a long ball game. It would be Garforth who would create the first goal-scoring opportunities. Tom Greaves tried his luck with a run down the middle but was impeded. Garforth struck the first shot in anger, which sailed over. United replied with a curled ball across the midfield to Nathan Turner, who redirected the ball well with his head to run for goal. Town sweeper Milton Turner did well in covering the ground, stealing the ball and clearing it to safety.

Fidel Mholo broke a record, impressive given his short career. He is now officially recognised at having his name mispronounced more times than any other player in the history of football. That includes Greek football, Popodopadoolios and all. He also gave an eye-catching display in the first half, pace evident as he burst down the field on 33. Unfortunately, his ball through to Greaves caught up in the striker’s feet.

Leeds came closest in the half when Turner was put through with only Ellison to beat. However, his shot was at a stretch, and the cutback overlong; the ball flew wide.

Greaves had one final effort as the half came to a close, a half that had the welcome introduction of two linesmen who were not afflicted by the usual relentless, constant ‘Heil Hitler’ syndrome that too many officials seem to have at the sniff of potential offside. One liner this year shot his outstretched arm out more times than Heinrich Himmler did in 1938 – tonight was blissfully free of that in this friendly game.

The second was not graced with many clear-cut chances, but it did see the match winning goal, a top corner shot that vindicated the entrance fee alone. Joe McCann had a shot well saved from point blank range by Ellison, and Leeds were in the ascendancy, with Garforth clinging to parity. The killer blow was struck with only ten minutes to play, as Josh Falkingham fired a net buster from twenty yards that sailed into the top right corner to give Leeds the lead.

United saw the game out, and so ended a fixture refreshingly played with no real malice, bickering, niggly challenges or the stereotypical footballers handbags non-fighting ‘brawls’ that mar so many games with their effeminate aura. It was a friendly game, and it did what it said on the tin.

Leeds next play at Millwall’s Den, and I offer prayers for the travelling fans that they don’t meet a ‘naughty, double nasty, tasty, dirty bunch’, and that they avoid getting bushwhacked in Bermondsey. Any Leeds fan, however, who managed to lay into Danny Dyer and his bunch of ‘naughty, rude mates’ in order to get onto ‘The Weal Footbawl Factowhees’ gets my utmost respect. Garforth face a ‘pound for pound’ equally daunting visit from Lancaster City (sarcasm y’all) who speak like Mancs and hate Garforth with a passion befitting of the Red Rose.

Keep Tubthumping. Peace.

Woodley Sports 0 - Garforth Town 1

26-9-09

The White Rose triumphed in an ugly smash and grab battle in Lancashire, as Woodley Sports fell by one goal to zilcho at their own Neil Rourke stadium. The home side’s nickname is the Steelmen, but they were melted down on Saturday in a close game settled by a well-taken Duncan Williams goal.

An initial feeling out process saw many long balls, with the only sniff of a chance coming from a chased down header back to goalkeeper Morgan from the halfway line. The only noteworthy chance in the opening twenty minutes came from an excellent Woodley cross could have been converted from eight yards. The inept striker missed the ball. Save for that, Garforth’s makeshift defence performed well, marshalled by Milton Turner.

A low cross was drilled in by Town standout Chris Ovington to Carl Fox, but the defender did just enough to prevent him getting a clean strike. Greaves came close with a shot following a good set up from Ovington, and Woodley hit the post, missing the subsequent rebound.

Ovington carved the last two chances of the first half, with a side-foot effort that missed, then an eye-catching burst of pace to fire in a cross that was not met.

Duncan Williams tried a Paul Gascoigne circa 1996 when he tried setting up a shot after kick ups over a defender, but he overshot it. Woodley had a header saved by Morgan, who turned in a dependable performance. Both Greaves and Ovington tried shots from outside the area, and both were saved comfortably.

The magic moment occurred on the hour mark. A ball up the right wing to Darren Thornton saw the striker cross low to Williams, who turned away from goal to off put the defender. As it was, though the new angle was ostensibly more difficult, and that the ball had bobbled, Williams managed to lob the goalkeeper to his far post and open (and close) the scoring.

Tom Klaisse almost burst through the middle later in the game, only for the keeper to come out and claim. The match was not one of breathless exhilaration, of constant goal scoring opportunities and melodrama, but it was a valuable win. Barring a minor incident in which two Woodley players appeared to raise their hands and make contact with Garforth players (with no action taken) not much more happened, and Garforth closed out the game to return back to God’s Own Country east of the Pennines with the points.

An ugly win can be as good as a pretty loss, for morale. And in a long season, morale is important, particularly for a side that won two recent promotions with dramatic late surges up the table. This win could prove more vital than its smash and grab, unexciting features and characteristics implied or were felt at the time, and with plenty of points to play for, Town are only four wins away from the prize positions. It’s a crack, they’re back yeah and standing on the rooftops shouting, baby I’m ready to go…

Garforth Town 0 - Halifax Town 1

21-9-09

Harold Brown asks the viewers ‘Who Gives You Extra?’ in the infamous Halifax bank advertisements on television, and ironically enough, tonight at the Genix Healthcare stadium in Garforth the other Halifax, Town FC, also had that little bit extra… in luck.

Garforth did not play badly – quite the opposite. There were several close chances, and the home side largely imposed their will on the visitors, despite the full time deficit. The Miner’s’ first early chance came from tenacious work in midfield from Craig Harding, who chased down a 50/50 ball and slid in to release Chris Ovington on the right. A dangerous dipping cross set up the lunging Greaves but at a stretch, and his contact sent the ball over the bar.

Greaves received a throw in soon after, with a quick turn and shot. The shot slid wide, but if a striker doesn’t shoot, he doesn’t score. Ovington was next, with a jinking run on the right which culminated with the new-boy cutting in to shoot across goal. The goalkeeper managed to parry it wide in a fingertips effort.

The only shot in anger during this first thirty minutes from a quiet Halifax came courtesy of an admittedly excellently taken free-kick from twenty-five yards. Morgan did well to save for the canary yellows.

Ovington tried to steer the ball into the path of Greaves, though the Halifax shot stopper was equal to it and came to intercept. Morgan cleared a backpass only for it to be headed back upfield, and Halifax came close to breaking the deadlock with the subsequent half volley. They almost had another bite at the metaphorical apple via a through ball up the wing, but Milton Turner darted over to win a 30/70 ball and clear the danger. Halifax did hit the crossbar, but only after the ref halted play for a foul. Thus ended the first half.

Garforth’s relative comfort and the ease with which they had dealt with an impotent Halifax attack thus far would be for nought, as the Plastic Wolverhampton Wanderers found the net ten minutes into the second period of play. The ball was played into Paul Whitehouse, who found space and shot from outside the box. He found the corner of the net, to the delight of an away bench now devoid of the blond muppet from last year.

Town responded with a handful of crosses, with the subsequent headers coming varyingly close to regaining parity in the scoreline. Greaves tried his luck with a shot that went wide, and slowly the confidence came back for the home players. The keeper for Halifax left his area to prevent a corner, and his poor clearance almost saw him lobbed from thirty yards and he hurtled back into position.

A ball to Thornton on the right found the striker in an expanse of space, as the attempted interception of an orange defender was mistimed. The chance was promising, but the cross was poor.

The same striker tried his luck with an overhead from an Ovington cross, but all in all it was to be ‘one of those nights’. A strong penalty claim for Garforth was ignored during the second half, and it is noteworthy that Halifax players dropped like flies crossing the motorway. On the plus side, Garforth’s last three performances have seen improvement, and with that ‘extra’ bit of luck, hopefully the Miner’s can start picking up some big wins. The next few games against Woodley, Prescott and Salford are winnable, and with three more good performances, Town can rock down to… Electric Avenue, and then we’ll take it higher.